We have shifted our blog.
Read this article on http://whatparentsask.com/5-ways-communicate-effective-loving-discipline/ ![]() I don’t want my child to be bullied. Nor do you. We are afraid of bullying. We are afraid because we know how terrible it feels to be bullied. We know this because at some stage or the other of our lives – all of us have been bullied. Childhood bullying is a much talked about topic and so we focus on bullying in schools and playgrounds. But you know as well as I do – that bullying does not end with childhood. Bullying happens at the workplace, bullying happens in marital relationships. There is the possibility of being bullied in family relationships, in friendships and in every situation in life that involves another person. No parent ever plans to rear a child who will become an easy victim for a bully. But in many cases without ever intending to – we weave the very characteristics that bullies are looking for into the inner fabric of our child’s personality.
Bullying is a mind game. And if we don’t want our children to be bullied – we must fortify their minds against bullies. As parents we wield immense power. With our words and actions – brick by brick, we build our children’s personalities. Be careful not to say the following things because they can create cracks in your child’s personality. “What is wrong with you? Can’t you ever do anything right? You are useless!” When we demean and criticise our children like this, criticism becomes their inner voice. Such children begin to believe that there is so much wrong with them that they become easy targets for anyone who wants to bully them. With our unthinkingly uttered words – we destroy their self-esteem. Make sure you build your child’s self-esteem by emphasizing that life is fun only when we embrace and overcome difficulty and that failure is a part of the journey, not its end. “Why can’t you do this? Everyone else is able to do it.” Comparisons that we make with the intention of motivating our children to do better – only makes them feel inferior because they are different. Bullies target those who are ashamed because they are different. And a child who believes that he is inferior because he is different is easy prey for any bully. Every moment of every parent child interaction must focus on how unique and special children are – because they are different from everyone else “How could you do this – what will other people say” or “How could you do this – what will other people think” Bullying is a mental game and one of the commonest ways a bully threatens and coerces a victim into submission - is by playing on his fear of what others will think or what others will say about an incident or a characteristic. Bullies use this fear. But this fear is created and established in the minds of children by their parents. It is impossible to read the thoughts and minds of others. And teaching children to torture themselves by imagining what someone else is thinking is useless. It is impossible to know what someone else is thinking and even more impossible to change that - so why bother. Do your bit to eliminate bullying Bullies are cowards. They never target the strong or the brave. We can prevent and eliminate bullying. And we can do that by bringing up our children to be strong and brave. We must tell children to love themselves and take pride in who they are and what they have. Let us teach our children to accept, acknowledge and take pride in their flaws and differences before a bully comes along and convinces them that they should be ashamed. Let us eliminate bullying by ensuring that there are no more victims. ![]() What do you want for your child? Most parents would answer this question with “I want my child to be happy” Yes – what we want most – is for our children to be happy. And we are usually willing to do whatever it takes to make them happy. We buy them what we think will make them happy and we say what we think will make them happy. And we then expect the rest of the world to follow suit and keep doing whatever it takes to make our children happy. The rest of the world however does not care. Life throws up difficulties. Life throws up adversities. Life scares us and makes us want to run away. And life then challenges us to be happy in the midst of all this. The only way we can ensure that our children are happy is – by teaching them how to laugh and smile – especially when things are really not that funny.
Every child is born with the intense desire to be happy, to make others around him happy and to laugh. Just pick up a baby’s hands and clap them together – it will certainly make him laugh. Smile and laugh at the clapping and he will laugh more. And make a funny face and he will go off into peals of laughter. As the busyness of life takes over however – this inherent desire to be happy and to laugh at just about anything and everything – is sometimes lost. As families – we begin to stress on petty things and ignore the important. And this slowly erodes our children’s sense of humor. Laughter is the magical ingredient that makes life beautiful. A good sense of humour is one of the most valuable gifts we can give our children – because humour helps put things in proper proportion and view them in the right perspective. A good sense of humour is vital for good mental health. Being able to look at the humorous side of life – is in fact an essential tool for survival. 10 ways to build your child’s sense of humour
Remember that a sense of humour develops gradually. Little children find little things funny and as parents we must recognize that. Initially, just seeing things done in the reverse order or having things put upside down can make children laugh. Toothpaste on the reverse side of the brush or a shoe on the head – is extremely funny to a small child It is important to abandon attempts to be perfect all the time and attempt to make children perfect. Constantly aiming to be picture perfect leads to children being serious and unsmiling. Any slight imperfection then - easily confuses them and makes them unhappy 2.Be funny yourself Never be ashamed to be funny or do something slightly silly if it elicits a few laughs. A sense of humour develops gradually and needs an environment in which everyone around is routinely attempting to be funny and trying to look at the humorous side of incidents and happenings 3.When children attempt humour – just laugh When children attempt something funny – laugh enthusiastically to encourage them. Wearing things the wrong way or using puns in sentences to change their meaning are the earliest ways in which children attempt to make others laugh. It is important as adults to laugh at their attempts and not look embarrassed or attempt to correct them Enjoy childish attempts to be funny – even if it doesn’t appeal to your evolved sense of humour. Always let children know that you enjoy hearing their laughter and approve of their fun 4.Build an atmosphere of laughter around mundane chores Life is always going to be busy. Don’t try to schedule a time to laugh. Weave laughter into everyday chores and tasks. Pretend you are chasing children in the house as you get them to do tasks. It generates giggles and laughter and is often a much easier way of getting tasks done around the house – than yelling at them and ordering them around. Tease them gently, wrestle with them and rough house with them as a routine and watch them erupt with laughter Always smile with a twinkle in your eye when you make eye contact with your child. From an expression like this – it is easier to transition to laughter. 5.Teach children how to laugh at themselves When a child unintentionally does something that makes others laugh – encourage him to see the funny side of what he has done – and laugh at himself. Make sure that your child understands that minor mistakes are not disgraceful and should be laughed off. 6.Show children that life is not such a serious affair Encourage children to see the funny side of the little fights, slights and insults that they encounter in the playground or in their interactions with other children. Show them that life is really not such a serious affair at all and it is not necessary to take offence or burst into tears all the time. 7.Teach children how to tease gently and cope with teasing Teasing is usually one of the earliest ways in which small children attempt humour. There is nothing wrong with teasing if it is not hurtful. Telling children not to tease usually does not work because it is an essential developmental stage in the evolution of a sense of humour. Teach children what is not funny and what should never be joked about. Build their emotional skills and show them how to perceive when they are beginning to hurt the other person and when they should stop teasing. Teach them how to be gentle while being funny. Also teach them how to cope with teasing and enjoy being teased. 8.Make sure the shows children watch are really funny Watch age appropriate humorous shows with children. Keep them away from adult comedies – they teach children the wrong kind of humour. It is best to avoid cartoons where beating up others and hurting them is considered funny. Laughter is a gift and a sense of humour is an asset that we must certainly give our children. It is the only way to ensure that our children have a chance to be really happy. ![]() “Mamma – I am bored” says your little one. And that dreaded declaration fills you with an overwhelming guilt. To you - the dedicated and committed parent - the statement sounds like an accusation. You consider it a personal affront. And you jump up to correct the situation. To make things right. You rush around to arrange an activity for your child. Or if you can’t – you arrange for entertainment by switching on the TV or another device. But should you? Should you assume responsibility for your child’s entertainment? Should you wallow in guilt if they are bored? The answer is NO. Why parents should allow boredom Reason 1 Creativity is the mind’s voice that can only be heard in the silence of boredom. Children need to have time in which they are doing nothing. They need to get bored in order to use their imagination and unleash their creativity. Children must be taught to cope with the panic of boredom so that they can reach the stage where the brain can be creative Reason 2. Children need to get bored to start dreaming It is important that children have the time to just “stand and stare” so that they can observe and dream. Dreams are essential. Every invention and innovation was someone’s dream before it became reality Reason 3 Boredom is an opportunity for self-discovery Boredom is the child’s opportunity to spend time with himself – to listen to what his mind and heart are saying and find out who he really is. Reason 4 Being alone and unoccupied is an exercise in building self-esteem .Being alone and potentially bored tells your child that he does not constantly require someone else to be happy. In the silence of boredom children smile to themselves and say “I like myself.” “I enjoy my own company.” Reason 5 Constantly providing entertainment can set children up for failure Rushing to entertain your child whenever he is bored or diligently filling every minute of your child’s day with “things to do” is a mistake. When children are occupied like this, they begin to expect constant stimulation and instant gratification. This can set up children for failure, because as is well known – success is always the result of persistence and the ability to endure the torture of delayed gratification – both of which are extremely boring. Instant fixes to boredom can also kill the motivation and self-reliance required to organize entertainment. Reason 6 Devices are the wrong way to escape boredom. Devices offer entertainment temporarily. They set off the Dopamine reward circuit in the brain which makes your child crave devices when they are not around – much like an addiction Reason 7 Enduring Boredom is an essential life skill It is important to teach children how to endure boredom. Because as they grow older - bored children are likely to turn to dangerous activities and substance abuse to satisfy their brain’s demand for stimulation. What Bored really means and what you should do about it A child who is complaining of being bored is not necessarily saying that he has nothing to do. He could be saying one of the following.
Remedy - Make eye contact with your child. Draw him into a bear hug. And rejuvenate him with a smile and if possible some laughter.
Remedy - Allow children to move around. Allow jumping dancing and shouting. Yes – children need to vent all that energy. It is wrong to restrict them. Just let them be.
Remedy - Allow children to play on their own. Don’t be afraid of messes. Remedy what children perceive as boredom, but teach children to encounter and endure actual boredom. Because as Leo Buscaglia said and I quote “A child develops best when, like a young plant, he is left undisturbed in the same soil. Too much travel, too much variety of impressions, are not good for the young, and cause them as they grow up to become incapable of enduring fruitful monotony. A generation that cannot endure boredom will be a generation of little men, of men unduly divorced from the slow processes of nature, of men in whom every vital impulse slowly withers, as though they were cut flowers in a vase.” We have shifted our blog to www.whatparentsask.com
Read this article at http://whatparentsask.com/settle-in-pre-school/ ![]() As I get into my car with my daughter after school – a school bus full of children passes by. A bunch of children call out my daughter’s name and wave. My heart fills with pride. I feel happy and satisfied. Like every other parent in the world – I want my child to be popular and have lots of friends. Friendships are extremely important in life and no one needs to tell us why. Every human being wants to belong. Every one of us wants to feel appreciated, needed and loved. And having friends fulfils all these needs. It can be emotionally devastating for a child to be rejected by his peers and feel left out. It can impact the child’s self-esteem severely, and lead to behavior problems and depression. How to make friends and sustain friendships is one of the most important skills a child needs to master in the early years. Through friendships children learn social skills like cooperation, sharing and conflict management. Friendships strengthen a child’s sense of belonging. They hone his ability to understand what others are thinking and feeling and this helps him to adjust socially later in life It is a myth that childhood friendships are automatic and effortless. As parents we need to build social skills and qualities into our children that will help them attract friendships Here are the 5 things you should teach your child – to ensure that his life is enriched with friendships Teach your child how to Smile Smiling is the first sign that you are open to being friends. As city dwellers we tend to isolate ourselves in our little self-sufficient islands even as we live in close proximity to millions of other people. It becomes a habit to avoid meeting the eyes of the people around you. It becomes a habit to look the other way so that you don’t have to smile. And that is what your children learn from you. As they watch you - children learn not to smile. Even if a child is dying to make friends – if he doesn’t smile – he comes across as unfriendly and unapproachable and loses out on opportunities to make friends. Smile – and encourage your child to smile. Make it easier for your child to learn how to greet The first step towards making new friends or penetrating a group of playing children is to walk up and utter a greeting. If your child is waiting to join a group of playing children he may be able to make eye contact with a child from the group, but unless he can instantly greet the child with a “Hi!” or a “Hello!” to start a conversation - he could miss out on the opportunity to join the group. It is not easy for children to utter a greeting if they are not used to it. And it becomes even more difficult when they are trying it in testing circumstances where they know that there is a chance their greeting may be rejected or ignored. To make it easier for your child to greet – throw greetings around freely – when you are at home and when it is not necessary to be formal. Get up in the morning and say “Good morning” When you walk into the house shout out a “Hi!” Yes – social skills need to be practiced repeatedly to emerge automatically and seem effortless. Teach your child to admire and compliment Handing out a genuine compliment is another easy way to make friends. Everyone likes someone to notice and like things about them and it can be an easy way to start a conversation To compliment without sounding fake, one needs to be generous and genuine. Both of these qualities are learnt by children from their parents. Make it habit to hand out compliments when your child can hear you. Admire that nice sweater on another little one. Include your child in the admiration too. Tell your child –“Look – have you seen what a lovely sweater that little girl is wearing? Let’s walk up to her and tell her” Take your child with you as you walk up to deliver the compliment. Don’t compare – it teaches children to envy instead of being generous. Teach your child kindness and consideration Kindness begets kindness and is a wonderful place to begin a friendship. Children learn kindness by watching their parents being kind. Hold the door open for a child you don’t know. Encourage your child to pick something up that an old woman has dropped. Offer to help a neighbour with her heavy bags up the stairs. Allow someone to move ahead of you in the queue. Let your child join in as you perform your little acts of kindness and consideration – allow them to experience the joy that being kind brings. It is a joy that is almost addicting. Build your child’s self esteem A child who doesn’t have friends can easily fall into the trap of “Nobody likes me.” When your child comes back to you crying and dejected - envelope him in your unconditional love. Tell him how wonderful he is because he is polite, friendly, kind and considerate. Encourage him to build on these qualities. Politeness, kindness and consideration are sure to elicit positive reactions from the recipients and make him feel more likeable . Rejections are inevitable in life – but as parents it is most important that we ensure that these rejections do effect our child’s self-esteem. If you want to be liked by others – you must first like yourself. Build positive self-esteem make sure your child knows he is likable Give your child plenty of opportunities to play and interact with children Just because two children are thrown together – they will not become friends. You cannot force friendships upon your child – even if those friendships are most convenient. You may want to hang out with your friend – but you must accept it if your child does not get along with her child. If your child is unable to find friends in a particular group – ensure that you give him other opportunities to socialize. There is no point in insisting that a child make friends with children of your choice. Enrolling children in non-competitive activities gives them a wonderful opportunity to interact and build friendships around shared interests and must definitely be a priority for parents who have shy or friendless children. As loving parents we are often unable to see why other children don’t want to be friends with our perfect and wonderful child. This can make us feel hurt and defensive. To avoid feeling hurt we often try to replace friends with devices or buying them more toys. We try to convince our children that they don’t need to be friends with “those nasty children” and we keep them away from group play to avoid rejection and tears. Spending more and more time alone however, only ensures that children lose out further on social skills. And this is counterproductive. Children must learn to deal with rejections, anger and conflicts because these are a part of normal social life. Children need friends. And whatever you do you cannot compel other children to be friends with your child Help your child build the social skills he needs to initiate and sustain friendships ![]() A sneeze and you look warily in your child’s direction A cough and you are shaking your head and rolling your eyes And a warm forehead and you have already imagined the worst diseases possible Such is parental attachment and love. If you are a parent it is impossible to disentangle yourself from the clutches of paranoia. We are all victims of it. It is nightmarish to have a sick child at home. Not only is it heart wrenching to watch your child suffering. It also disrupts any semblance of routine that you may claim to have in the house on regular days when everyone is well. When your child is sick, you are ready to do just anything to make them well soon – and that is when you reach for antibiotics. You know that antibiotics cure infections – and the cold and fever are obviously because of infection. So why not use this easily available remedy? Why not give antibiotics? You reason with yourself. But even as you reach for the antibiotic – somewhere at the back of your mind – something tells you shouldn’t. And so rages the eternal debate in the mind of the parents of all sick children. Should we give antibiotics or should we not? A lot of these doubts come from not knowing enough about antibiotics. These are the answers to some of the questions that parents ask about antibiotics “Why do doctors wait for three to four days before starting an antibiotic?” When we train as doctors – we are taught this in medical school. “A viral infection left untreated – gets better in 7 days. And if it is treated with antibiotics – the patient gets better in 1 week.” This is a humorous way of teaching young doctors the futility of using antibiotics in viral infections. Learn more about Viral infections Antibiotics kill bacteria. They have absolutely no effect on infections caused by viruses. It is common knowledge that most childhood infections are usually viral infections. That is why doctors wait for 3 -4 days before they start antibiotics. They want to be sure the infection is not a viral infection before they start antibiotics. And this is usually evident in 3 – 4 days. “But children really do get better rapidly once the doctor starts antibiotics. How does that happen?” When a doctor starts antibiotics – he is certain – that what started out as a viral infection – has now turned into a bacterial infection and that is why – when he starts antibiotics – the child immediately improves. When you start antibiotics yourself without prescription – things sometimes improve too. This is not because the antibiotic starts acting against the virus or because the disease was a bacterial infection in the first place. The improvement is usually an illusion. Viral infections are at their worst on the third day and start to get better by the fourth day. It is usually the third day that parents find unbearable. They are unable to tolerate their child’s suffering and they are tired of the havoc the illness in the family is wreaking on their lives – and so they start antibiotics. The next day the child is better and all the credit goes to the antibiotic. What has really happened here however is – that by the time the antibiotic was started, the viral infection had run its course and was on its way out anyway. This would have happened anyway – even if the antibiotic had not been started. “Is there a way to know if an infection is bacterial or viral?” Yes there are several clinical signs that doctors are trained to identify that tell them that an infection is a bacterial infection. And what these clinical signs tell the doctor – can usually be confirmed by lab tests. While most childhood infections are viral – there is the possibility of infections being bacterial as well. Also viral infections considerably lower the immunity of the child that they infect. This makes it easier for bacteria to overpower the immune system and cause a bacterial infection. So sometimes there may be a bacterial infection superimposed on a viral infection. Bacterial infections must be treated immediately by starting antibiotics. And only a doctor can tell if an infection is bacterial or viral. That is why it is important to consult a doctor as soon as your child falls sick. And also trust his advice “Is there any harm in giving an antibiotic even if the infection is not a bacterial infection?” Yes. Giving an antibiotic when it is not required can do a lot of harm. The human body houses millions of bacteria. Most of these bacteria are useful bacteria and help in the normal functioning of the body. Antibiotics however do not consider the role of the bacteria in the body before they kill them. When an antibiotic is administered – it indiscriminately kills any bacteria that it comes across in the body. The loss of good bacteria make the body weak and prone to more infections. The loss of good bacteria can also lead to stomach upsets and diarrhoea By taking antibiotics when they are not required you build antibiotic resistance. Resistant bacteria are difficult to cure with antibiotics. It takes longer to cure future infections and the antibiotics have to be stronger. If these stronger antibiotics don’t work – hospitalization and use of injectable antibiotics could also be required Sometimes resistant bacteria do not cause infection in the person who has taken the unnecessary antibiotics because the person who has taken the antibiotics has good immunity. But these bacteria are still alive and can be passed on to other people. At special risk are siblings of the child who has taken the antibiotics and other family members. Viral infections are terrible. They make you and your child miserable. However the answer to feeling better lies in getting rid of the symptoms. And relief from symptoms does not require antibiotics. Instead of requesting your doctor to start antibiotics – ask for something that will relieve symptoms and make your child feel better. ![]() Connecting with your child should be the easiest thing in the world – but it isn’t. Children live in the moment. “Here” and “Now” are all that they understand. And adults almost never live in the here and now. There is always the future to worry about. You are expecting that very important email anytime now There is an EMI that needs to paid next week An important project is due by the end of the month And of course the appraisal needs to be great at the end of the year. If nothing else – there is the worry about what to make for dinner – or the clothes that need to be put into the washing machine to be laundered. The clock is constantly ticking. Yes – that is life. Whether it is the beginning of the day or the end – worries like this – make it difficult for parents to connect with their child. Planning elaborate activities with children is a noble intention. But in the midst of busy workdays – these are almost impossible to accomplish and can be tremendously stressful if tried. Connecting with children however is vital – even if it is for a short while. Because allowing disconnect to grow can be dangerous. A disconnected child is prone to bullying and abuse. And disconnected children will certainly not grow into connected teenagers. How to connect with your child – here are 4 effortless ways to do it - Smile more. Whenever you make eye contact with your child – make it a point to smile. Smiling should come naturally to us – especially when we are looking at our children – because we love them so much. But it doesn’t. Because we are preoccupied or worried all the time. We are taught that we smile when we are happy and so when we see nothing to make us happy – we simply don’t smile. Not too many people know this – but smiling actually makes you happy. When you smile at your child and they smile back at you – they convey their happiness with their innocent spontaneous smiles – and that makes you so happy – that it leads you into another smile. Smile a lot. It is a habit – and it is contagious. As soon as you walk into the house – drop whatever precious thing you are carrying and give your child a hug Children wait for hugs. They want to end the period of separation from you – however long or short – with contact. They need actual bodily contact to reassure themselves that you are back – you are really back – and that they are no longer alone. Often when we walk into the house we are loaded with “things” that keep us from hugging. Or we are in clothes that are too good for messy hugs. Or we are too preoccupied to give in to hugs. Remember - whatever it is that you are carrying on your mind, body or hands – is never more precious than a hug from your child. Be generous with hugs. They are a great way to destress and connect. Sit or lie on the floor – it is a cue for your child to connect When you are at home – the easiest way to connect is to look relaxed. And the easiest way to look relaxed is – to get down to the level of your child. Sit or lie on the floor. When was the last time you did that? Sitting in straight backed chairs or stuffy sofas compels you to keep your distance because of the boundaries of the furniture. When you are on the floor – boundaries are blurred. Allow your child to sit on your lap or clamber all over you as you lie. There can be no deeper connect. If housework is stressing you out – drop everything and go with your child for a 10 minute walk Regular parents have a truckload of housework waiting for them when they get back from work and being in the house and looking at the toys that need to picked up – the laundry that needs to be folded and the dinner that needs to be fixed – can be really stressful. Housework however can wait – your moment of connection with your child can’t. Pushing housework back by 10 minutes can do absolutely no harm. Ignore the mess, pay no attention to your child’s shabby clothes – just grab your child and head out for a 10 minute walk. Those 10 minutes can make a world of a difference to your connection with your child Surprise yourself and your child As adults who have children to bring up “perfectly” – we often become boring. Yes – routines are important, homework must be done, every meal must be nutrient packed – but not all the time. On an odd day – just relax and let go. Eat a full meal of mangoes. Snuggle into bed as soon as you are back instead of doing housework and homework. Walk in and immediately pull out a board game and start playing instead of interrogating your child about his constructive utilization of time while you were away. Be spontaneous – it is the easiest way to bond. Life is beautiful. And it is the connections and bonds that make life so beautiful. Schedule time to bond with your child
“If you study all day today - I will take you out for pizza”
“If you finish dinner - you can have dessert” “If you play tennis well today - we will stop for ice creams on the way back” Do you find yourself making such statements all the time? And do you then complain that your child is a Picky Eater - who picks junk food in place of healthy food? Can you see why he does that? When you repeatedly offer junk food as a bribe or reward - you give it the status of the ultimate attainment - you make it that one thing worth striving for. Junk foods by nature are intensely sweet, salty or fatty. And such foods have the ability to trigger off the Reward Pathway in the brain. The Reward Pathway is what causes people to get addicted to substances like Cocaine. Cocaine is addicting because - once an addict is attuned to the reward cocaine offers his brain - he is unable to resist the urge to take it in larger and larger doses - which is what makes him an addict. Junk food works the same way. Cocaine abuse however is illegal, socially stigmatised and known to be fatal. So even in your wildest dreams you would not dream of offering your child cocaine as a reward. But you offer your child junk food - the chemical properties of which stimulate the reward pathways of the brain. And by doing this - cause your child to get addicted to something which may not be fatal immediately – but is definitely potentially damaging to the physical and mental health of your child. In addition with your words - you give it the status of the ultimate attainment or reward. Unsurprisingly then - your Picky Eater picks junk food over everything else. Stop offering junk food as a reward. In fact do not offer food as a reward at all. Rather offer an extra large doses of your affection and time as rewards Say - “You get two kisses instead of one - every time you play the new piano piece right” “We play two games of Uno - instead of one if you finish dinner quickly” “We go for a walk in evening - if you finish studying during the day” Keep your child from getting addicted even as you compel yourself to eke out those extra minutes of quality time. Your love in its pure unadulterated form is what your child wants and needs. Do not feel compelled to give support it with the crutch of junk food. Stay healthy - stay happy
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