Life is short. There is too much to do and too little time. If we didn’t plan and schedule everything – where would we be?
And so we have schedules and routines. Routines are fantastic. They are essential in fact when you are a parent and need to successfully ‘run’ – more than one life. Routines and schedules for children are always created by parents with the best of intentions. We want our children to grow up healthy and enriched with myriad experiences. And with the limited time that we have available – we know that tight schedules are the only ways to make that happen. And we are right. Routines do work. And because they work so well, sometimes, without us realizing it, they take over our lives. They comfort us with their predictability and efficiency and very soon, are able to convince us that anything different from what they specify, anything that we are not used to or uncomfortable with – is unacceptable. Being blessed with the task of parenting a child is the amazing opportunity to live life creatively. To do things differently. And to celebrate every moment and have FUN. Allowing routines and schedules to hijack our lives – robs us of this opportunity – one day at a time. The pace of our routines can stifle conversation and END COMMUNICATION. It can also make family life BORING and MONOTONOUS. If you find you are saying one or more of the following things too often to your child – it may be time to review your child’s routine 1. Are you saying “Come on – come on – quick – quick” all the time? When you are compelled to rush your child all the time – recognize that you have in your enthusiasm – over scheduled your child. The routine of driving your child from class to class and activity to activity - that you made, has now become the routine that makes you. It is time to slow down. Shamelessly cancel that fun plan that is no longer looking like fun. Go when it’s actually going to be fun. Without an iota of guilt pull your child out of that hobby class at a distant location. It may be the best – but it’s not right for your child – right now Every child is different. Just because all the other kids are doing something - your child doesn't necessarily have to do it right then too. The experiences will be right there when he/she is ready. 2. Are you saying “No no no……….we can’t do that now.” All the time? Parenting a child is an opportunity to live creatively. As parents we often forgo that opportunity because we are in the clutches of our routines. Routines however should never stand in the way of spontaneity and exciting experiences Even if it is dinner time – indulge your child and watch the little dance your child has been practising all evening or allow the magic trick your child wants to try on you. It will only take a few minutes to watch and applaud after all. Indulging your child could mean changing your plan a little – but, give it a thought - if the plan is important only by virtue of being your plan – can there be any harm in changing it a little? Flexibility is one of the most important parental qualities 3. Are you always correcting your child and saying “No – not like that – do it this way” As parents we are responsible for teaching our children how to do things the right way – but when we correct children all the time – we could be turning into helicopter parents who are falling into the trap of Hyper parenting. Also - as adults who already have so much on our plates – we can’t possibly have things being done any which way all the time. We need to factor in the messes that will need to be cleared when things are done just any way. But sometimes – just sometimes – children should be given the opportunity to do things a certain way “just because” they want to do it that way. It is important to do things the right way and to stick to routines but when routines begin to stand frequently in the way of spontaneity and fun – it is time to rethink them. 4. Are you always asking “No – why do you want to do that? It is important that childhood should be filled with a variety of experiences – and as conscientious parents that is what we strive to ensure for our children. Can it be wrong then, for some of these experiences to be created by your child’s imagination? A child’s creativity needs room for expansion. And it should not be necessary for a child to give you ten good reasons why he wants to do something whimsical Instead of asking “Why” can we sometimes not ask “Why not?”. It is important to encourage creativity. Children learn by being creative and imaginative. If there is no good reason why they shouldn’t be allowed to do it – why not allow children go ahead and have fun? A new idea – tried tested and proved successful can be a tremendous boost to your child’s self-esteem in addition to being a hands on learning experience. If it is your child’s jam packed schedule that is keeping you from saying “yes” to new ideas – definitely rethink the schedule. In your child’s company – sometimes give yourself the permission to be whimsical, laid back and relaxed. Don’t rush children into tomorrow. Let them live in the moment. Permit them to keep you there too.
The summer vacations are here. And if you have a child who hasn’t learnt to swim yet – I am certain you are contemplating enrolling your child in a swimming class.
If you are – your intentions are certainly worthy of applause. Swimming is a life saving skill, it is fantastic exercise, it strengthens the lungs and gives them more power, it is a fun activity and a great way to get outdoors and make friends. If you are a lucky parent – you will have a child who loves water; a child who is looking forward to learning how to swim and takes to the water like the proverbial fish. In fifteen days then - you will have a child who is effortlessly swimming lengths of the pool. But what if you are not that lucky? What if yours is the one child in a class of twenty who refuses to get into the pool? What if yours is the one child who is howling before every class? Should you force your child to swim? Or should you just give up? The answer to both those questions is NO. Before you enrol your child for a swimming class – it is very important for you to understand that swimming is NOT about thrashing about with the arms and legs. Your child will learn how to swim when he/she learns how to control and regulate breathing. A frightened child will find it impossible to learn how to swim because when a child is afraid – the first thing he / she will lose control over is – breath. A howling child who is forced into water - will have great difficulty learning how to swim. As a child cries - water will enter the nose and mouth and the child will choke on the water as he / she cries. The sensation of drowning that this causes – will terrify an already frightened child – ensuring a fear of swimming classes. If you are the parent of a child who is afraid of the water – here are some things you should do – Respect your child’s fear Never say – “Oh! There is nothing to be scared of”. A pool full of water that looks inviting and beautiful to you - can look like an ocean to a little child. Do not rush your child Being in water is a new sensation that the body needs to get used to. Allow your child to proceed slowly and realize that water is not threatening. There are children who need to first just be splashed with water – then dip their feet in and then slowly over a month – move to putting their heads under water for a few seconds. But given a chance these children eventually – do learn how to swim. Fifteen day deadlines that typical swimming classes set – do not work for children. Work on building confidence Never allow your child to be taken to the deep end perforce. And NEVER allow your child to be thrown in at the deep end with the mistaken notion that children learn to swim when they are in deep water. A frightened child will open his/her mouth to gulp in air –and end up gulping water instead. The sensation of drowning that this causes – will terrify your child and destroy his/her confidence. Instead – allow your child as much time as he/she requires in the shallow area of the pool – to gain confidence. Stay away from overzealous arrogant instructors. Empower your child Always give your child the choice to proceed to the next step or go back one step as he or she chooses. Never prevent a child from leaving the pool if he/she wants. There are days when children are very tired - days when they find the water too cold or days when they are just not in the mood. Compelling children to undertake a challenge they do not feel they can tackle at that moment - can ruin the confidence they have built so far. Persist and encourage As difficult as it may be to believe it – every child wants to learn how to swim. Encouraging your child to persist in his/her effort to learn how to swim – is the one thing that your child needs from you As you teach your child to swim remember that this is your child’s challenge – do NOT make it yours. Happy swimming !! When the exams are around the corner – entire families of those taking the exams are stressed. Even the parents of the most relaxed children are treading on eggshells around their children. And every parent is looking for an opportunity to do something to help their exam going child. Sadly however – most parents have no idea what to do. If you are a parent - the simplest way in which you can help your child while you wait for the nail biting race to the finish line – is to help your children with food.
To work effectively – the brain needs food. Carbohydrates, proteins, fats, vitamins and minerals, are all essential to keep the brain functioning well. As stress gets the better of children – the first thing they do is skip meals and survive on junk food. It may be difficult to convince children to eat regular meals as they study – but parents can make an attempt to include all the elements of a balanced diet into the food that their child eats through the day with some innovatively cooked snacks It is important to focus on nutrients because a diet that lacks essential nutrients can compromise concentration.
While all the elements of a balanced diet are required to keep the brain and body going – it is important to remember that having the regular three or four square meals while studying long hours can be counterproductive. Heavy meals can be sleep inducing and so frequent small healthy meals packaged as snacks - is what you should ideally give your child. Eating too much or too little can interfere with the ability to focus. A heavy meal may make one feel tired, while too few calories can result in distracting hunger pangs
The brain runs on sugar. It is the brains most preferred fuel source and so some amount of craving for sweet things is normal in a child who is spending several long hours exercising his/her brain cells. However an excess of sugar can actually impair the functioning of the brain and cause both brain and body to slow down. So keep a watch on how much sugar your child takes in.
If your child insists on sweets, try chocolate or cocoa based sweets, which keep the brain in great functioning condition when they are consumed in moderate amounts, because of their antioxidant properties. Nuts and dry fruits are full of antioxidants and very good for the brain too
It is tempting to offer caffeine in the form of tea coffee and other energy drinks to keep the mind alert. However too much caffeine can actually have the reverse effect and make your child jittery and uncomfortable
There is a long gap between dinner and breakfast and since the brain needs food before it can function effectively - breakfast is a non-negotiable. If your child refuses a regular breakfast – package it innovatively into small tasty snacks. Studies have found that eating breakfast may improve short-term memory and attention. Students who eat breakfast tend to perform better than those who don’t. Foods that top the brain-fuel list include high-fibre whole grains, dairy, and fruits. Overeating at breakfast however – is not a good idea because high-calorie breakfasts induce sleep and sluggishness
As the exams approach – the “I am forgetting everything” feeling can grip students. And their panic about forgetting can overwhelm parents as well. I have often encountered parents looking around for memory enhancing drugs to help their children at such times. It is important to remember that while a lot of claims have been made about the memory boosting properties of a lot of drugs – a great deal of research is still required in most cases to prove their efficacy and ensure their safety and absence of side effects. In such a scenario – it is best to exercise extreme caution before experimenting with medications or supplements.
Both the brain and the body function best when they are well hydrated. It is important to drink water. Juices, tea, coffee and other beverages cannot take over the function of water. Frequent sips from a bottle strategically placed on the study table can make a lot of difference to the functioning of the brain. A healthy body and mind are extremely important for success in exams. You can contribute to your child’s success by feeding him/her right. And you should.
“What do I do about tantrums?” is a question parents often ask at my workshops
Yes – tantrums are dreadful. No parent wants to live through one. Tantrums arise out of a multitude of reasons and how to prevent them is what I teach in my “Workshop on Discipline” But try as you might – from time to time – you do come face to face with a tantrum. And when life gives you lemons – I firmly believe - you should make lemonade And so - if tantrums are inevitable – why not understand them and use them as an opportunity to teach a vital life skill called - THINKING What is tantrum? A tantrum is basically a socially unacceptable way of expressing frustration, anxiety and worry. “Frustrated? Anxious? Worried? Why should children feel like that?” Parents ask incredulously As much as we want to believe that we give our children the perfect lives where they have no reason to feel frustrated – if you look at the world from the point of view of the child – you would find that there are more than enough reasons for children to feel frustrated anxious and worried. Just like adults – children are constantly faced with problems. As they go about their daily lives, they encounter unfulfilled needs and/or desires and get into conflicts with those around them. When children are unable to find solutions to their problems, they feel angry, frustrated, anxious and worried. And when they are able to solve their problems - they feel relieved, happy and proud If you put yourself in your child’s shoes you would realize that your own behaviour in your day to day life is closely linked with your ability to solve the problems that you face in day to day life. Imagine yourself faced with the problem of a neighbour who refuses to lower the volume of the music he is playing at bedtime. Your problem with your neighbour is actually no different from a 4 year old crying for an unobtainable toy. The emotions he experiences are in all probability are exactly the same ones that you have. If you are unable to get your neighbour to reduce the volume to what you think is an acceptable level you are likely to feel inadequate and helpless. And if this goes on for several days or if there are several other such issues that simultaneously remain unresolved – you would end up feeling frustrated and behave in a socially unacceptable manner. When a four year old behaves similarly it would be called a tantrum or a meltdown. What causes the frustration that leads to a tantrum? The automatic human reaction to a problem that cannot be solved to your satisfaction is - FRUSTRATION. Frustration causes you to complain and when complaining does not help – it leads to your giving vent to your frustrations in unacceptable behavior. The sequence in a child is - whining – followed by a full blown tantrum. If we train ourselves to think up a solutions to real life problems – in the heat of the moment – it can keep us from feeling helpless and inadequate and compelled to throw a tantrum. This holds true for adults – as much as it does for children and can go a long way in reducing lifelong stress How to use a tantrum to teach ‘THINKING’ STEP 1 – Comfort – Give your child a big hug Are you thinking…….. “Think??????!!!! When my child is throwing a tantrum – forget the child – even I can’t think” Well I can’t disagree with you. In the midst of a tantrum – it is difficult to think. Both parent and child need to calm down. And the easiest way to have that happen is to give your child a long, loving hug. Believe me - it works! STEP 2 – Enquire calmly “What happened?” or “What did you do? Sounds threatening to child who is already guilty of doing something he/she knows is unacceptable and can shut down the child’s thinking completely. A “Why did you do it?” or “Why are you crying?” in a tone that allows an explanation is much better. Every child usually has a good reason for what he/ she does. And discovering that reason is the key to helping the child to think up a solution. It also gives the child a chance to think about why he/she is doing something. When children don’t have reasons that are good enough – they most often feel so sheepish that they automatically calm down. STEP 3 - Listen Very often – we ask questions but make no effort to listen to the answer. When you ask a question be aware that your child’s view of the problem may differ from your view – but just because it is different it is not less important. If you don’t find out what your child thinks the problem is – you will never be able to help him think up a solution. If your child thinks that the problem is that he has shared his toy long enough and now simply wants it back, but you think the problem is that he grabs at toys that other children are playing with for no reason – you will both be working towards a different goal and are unlikely to reach a solution. STEP 4 – Don’t offer solutions It is tempting to sort out the problem by offering a ready made solution or an instruction – but resist the temptation to do that. The goal is to help the child think up a solution. And it is also important to allow a problem that a 3 year old has – to have a solution that a 3 year old can think up. These solutions are much simpler, more loving and more effective - than we, with our decades old, complicated brains can dream up STEP 5 – Provide a model of problem solving. When you are both clear on what the problem is that you have set out to solve. Say – “Hmmmm….. Let’s see what we can do here.” Then allow your child to come up with solutions and mull over the consequences of each offered solutions. With encouragement - children usually come up with just the right solution to their problems in the first or second tries STEP 6 - Be a good role model In your day to day life as your child watches you encounter problems – be a model for problem solving by calmly thinking out solutions aloud. “This traffic jam is taking so long to clear up – let’s see how many songs we can sing before it clears up” – is the way to set a good example of how to deal with a problem where you can’t have what you want. Not every desire can be fulfilled. Conflicts cannot always be resolved the way you wish. And yet –if you can think and get past the frustration that this causes – you can still be happy. That is the most important lesson we need to teach and in many cases – also learn.
“It is really strange Doctor – but my child is just not interested in eating. He / she can go for a whole day without asking for food”
In my Practice as a Parenting and Wellness Consultant - I have heard this often from Parents. Have you – by some chance - been one of the parents who said this? If you are – I would like to ask you to listen to yourself again. Read the complaint again and pick out the Key words. Would you say that the key word there is “INTERESTED”? I would definitely say that. So my response to that would be – “If your child is not interested in Food – try and make food and his/her meals INTERESTING,” If you think of a meal from the point of view of your child you would realise why it is BORING. From the child’s point of view – eating involves chewing and swallowing – for at least half an hour to forty five minutes (maybe longer if the child is not interested) four to six times a day! Not an activity to look forward to in any way! If you want to interest your child in eating – turn – BORING into INTERESTING. Make food interesting by adding an element of FUN. Concoct FUN - it is really not that difficult. For example - have an assortment of interesting shaped plates and glasses at hand. Make meals exciting by allowing your child to imagine which veggie would like to be eaten from which plate. Then - sometimes be good and let the veggie be eaten from the plate it likes. At other times be naughty and put it on a plate the veggie doesn’t like - and eat it up quickly before it knows what you have done. Or - decide which plate is to be used on which day of the week and then say – “OK let us be naughty today – and pretend its Saturday by using the Saturday plate on Wednesday. And let’s eat up all the veggies really quickly before they realise what we have been up to” There are a million games like this that you can think up with a little bit of imagination. These teeny tiny actions – that could be meaningless to you as an adult – would usually mean the world to your child. Being silly and naughty could add that much needed element of excitement to an otherwise boring activity and get your child INTERESTED in Food. Make mealtimes memorable by garnishing every meal with FUN. Also, basic things can be kept in mind like letting a child eat when he is hungry, serving the food at the same time daily and making the food appealing for kids. Happy Eating!
December was such an exciting month!
I went totally overboard with the celebrations as we saw the old year out because my heart was filled with gratitude and hope. I was on a real high as January began, and I thought up a whole lot of lofty New Year resolutions that were centered around doing everything that was ‘RIGHT’ and ‘GOOD’. I spent January diligently implementing my ambitious resolutions. And with all the effort that took – now, even before January has ended - I am already saying “PHEW!!!” ‘I need to re-energize myself’ – I am thinking. When, suddenly on my screen – pops up the word - KARNIVAL. It’s a word that brings an instant smile to my face and leaves me with twinkling eyes. Ever since I was a child – whether they began with the letter C or K - Carnivals have been such joyful experiences – that when I see the word now – I can’t but smile. And the Karnival that joyfully beckons to me from my screen now – is called KRACKERJACK. The KRACKERJACK KARNIVAL !! Just the name is beginning to lift my spirits and drive away my - ‘Too many resolutions that spell too much work and too little play’ January blues. Very aptly it is poised to happen on the 6th and 7th of February 2016 – right in the heart of Bangalore at the Jayamahal Palace. I hear, it’s going to be one of the biggest carnivals Bangalore has ever had and it will be the mega dose of festivity we all need to combat our January blues. I am definitely going to be there and I am listing out reasons why you should definitely make it too. 1. The Krackerjack Karnival is going to be a treasure trove of happiness Every once in a while all of us need a happiness recharge. As happy as we may be naturally - I firmly believe that as families and individuals we need to actively go out there every once in a while and grab happiness – give it a big hug and drag it home with us. It keeps us from feeling blue. And from the visuals that I see all over of previous Krackerjack Karnivals. It looks like it’s going to be a mega shot of happiness. Imagine a cool sunny morning, a festively decorated venue and a cartoon character walking up to greet you. It is a visual that has me smiling already. Imagine being surrounded by thousands of other smiling, laughing and excited families like you. It’s bound to make you happy because – as has been researched and proven – happiness is infectious – it is contagious. At a place where so many people have been bitten by the happiness bug – you can’t not catch it too. I am dying to catch the happiness bug – you must come and catch it too! 2. The Krackerjack Karnival is going to build lots of new neural connections in my brain As a conscientious parent I am committed to growing my daughter’s brain – but I do want to grow mine too. Yes – I may be forty years old – but my brain needs to grow too. What grows brains? Any brain at any age – forms a new connection every time you give it a new experience and that is how it grows. When I take my brain - that is used to living in front of the laptop, travelling the same route to the same workplace every day and cooking in the same kitchen every night – to the Karnival – I can actually picture it sitting up and taking notice. New sights! New sounds! New smells! New textures! I can almost hear it shout Wooooohooooooo!! I am going to grow today!! And then I see there are going to be a lot of workshops that will grow our brains too. Maybe we will decorate a cupcake together – me and my little one. And of course we are going to make our lopsided pots with the potter to carry home. Our brains are sure to thank us for the great experiences at the workshops. Be there if you want gratitude from your brain too! 3. The Krackerjack Karnival will be our ticket to a lot of shows Workday traffic is my nightmare. Is it yours too? Why traffic – fitting in anything besides work into my workday – is so stressful! Weekends aren’t much better – almost every weekend is busy too. And that is why I find it difficult to make it to all the dance shows and magic shows that I would love to go to. And that is why I am going to the Karnival – because they are having so many shows! A magic show – a puppet show – a dance show – story telling and so much more! All at the same venue! I am going to enjoy them all with my family. I think you should come too! 4. The Krackerjack Karnival is going to have Food….Food and more Food The Karnival is going to be my weekend break from cooking. It will be our chance to indulge our taste buds in our own ways – without the usual arguments about the impossibility of going to three different eating joints at the same meal – because there is going to be such an array of food to cater to all our tastes. And – most importantly with the happiness quotient running high – there will be absolutely no guilt as we dig into – not so great for the body – but superb for the soul food. I am hungry already. “Why isn’t the Karnival this weekend?” I am asking. See you there – if you are asking that question too. 5. See – Touch – Experience a demo and then Buy – That’s what the Krackerjack Karnival will allow me to do. As a parent – you need ‘Things’ – lots and lots of ‘Things’. Things that make your child happy – things that make your life easier – things that do all kinds of other magical things to make you look and feel like the best parent in the world (at least sometimes). I don’t know about you – but in the rush of day to day life – I usually have no time to discover and buy all these things. At the Karnival – there will be stalls selling all these ‘things’. I will be able to discover them, experience them first hand and come back with my bags full. All this while the rest of my family are occupied enough with fun things to not clutch and tug at me. Do you need things? Even if you don’t - it will be fun to experience new products and come back with samples. I am sure you will like that – so be there too. Reasons? Why am I giving you reasons? The Krackerjack Karnival is something nobody is going to miss for all these and so many other reasons. Block your calendar - see you soon!
When you are a concerned parent – it is extremely worrying and terribly annoying when your child says “I am not hungry” at mealtimes.
Parents who are faced with children who say they are not hungry rush to doctors requesting a prescription of appetite stimulants – but that is NOT the solution. Definitely not the permanent solution. To ensure that your child is hungry – it is important for you to understand the gut. The gut or the gastrointestinal system is one of the most important organs in the body and it is really important to understand how it functions. In my workshops on nutrition when I introduce parents to their children’s guts and tell them that in a child - the gut is an inexperienced new organ that needs patience and understanding to function well – I get incredulous looks at first. Then as I go about explaining how the gut functions – its needs - what makes it happy and what makes it sad – I have the satisfaction of witnessing the very rewarding “Aha!”moment when parents realize how they have ignored and neglected the needs of their children’s guts. The gut needs a lot more than just FOOD and that is what parents need to understand. One of the most important things that the gut needs besides food – is ROUTINE. The gut thrives on routine and when it is happy – the other organs in the body that depend on it for food – thrive as well. As a result you have a healthier and happier child. To keep the gut happy - it is important to serve meals and snacks at about the same times every day. This is because the gut is like the kitchen of the body. And it is a kitchen that caters to the needs of millions of cells. The food that your child eats has to be cooked further in the gut to become cell food. Each cell needs to be fed on time and so the gut has a mammoth task to perform at all times. When the gut is relatively sure of food coming down at specific times it keeps the ingredients and sufficient manpower at hand to tackle the food. This then makes its life much easier. So when meals arrive in expected amounts at specified times - the gut is able to digest meal 1 and get ready for snack 1 and then digest snack 1 and get ready for meal 2 at just the right times. As a result - it never feels overburdened. Forcing the issue – never works with the gut. It begins to protest by aching and paining and packing up. Serve meals on time so that you never have a misunderstanding with your child’s gut. Wishing you happy meal times!
“Doctor – my child just refuses to try any new food”
This is something I am used to hearing very often. Getting children to try new foods - like them and begin to eat them without a fuss are dreaded uphill tasks for most parents. Battling children is an exercise in futility for parents and should be avoided at all costs. If parents want children to eat different foods - it is important that they understand what food REALLY means to children. And, it is my endeavour to explain to this to parents - in my nutrition workshops. For children – food is a sensory experience. They focus on experiencing food with their five senses. Food needs to look good to them. It needs to smell good. They need to squish it with their fingers and smear it on their faces before they allow their tongues to taste it. But when they offer new foods – how many parents actually allow this? Ugly mushy spoonfuls that can be rapidly pushed down the throat and disseminate nutrients are what parents focus on providing in the early years. And since what is familiar - appeals to the senses – by the time parents offer new foods - the sense organs of the child are comfortable only with mush. And so they refuse to eat anything else. In situations like this it is important for parents to be patient with new foods. Children are likely to require repeated exposures to a new food before they take the first bite. To encourage children to eat new foods – it is important to talk about the colour of the food, the shape, the aroma and the texture. Just touting the food as tasty is unlikely to make a child try it. It is also important that children watch their parents enjoy the experience of eating something that he /she is being offered. Appeal to all your child’s senses – they will persuade your child’s taste buds for you. Focus on enjoying and savouring every meal. Turn into an epicurean family!
“Doctor – how do I get my child to eat?”
That is the question I am asked most frequently at my Parenting Consultations and Workshops. Almost every parent I encounter has a child who “just won’t eat”. And mealtime battles are the stuff childhoods now seem to be made up of. What I have realized parents are really asking when they ask – “How do I get my child to eat?”- Is – “How do I get my child to eat more than he wants to eat” And my answer to them is – “Don’t even try!” Always respect your child’s appetite – or lack of one. Your child is the only one who knows how hungry he is. A person feels hungry when the body sends a message to the mind saying that is short on nutrients and needs replenishment. The message is usually read loud and clear by the mind and is tough for it to ignore. And so the person eats. This mechanism is well and truly in place when a child is born and so the child is perfectly capable of deciding how much he should eat. If your child isn't hungry, don't force a meal or snack. Never bribe or force your child to eat certain foods or to clean his or her plate. There are 4 things that are likely to happen when you do this and none of them are good –
Allow meal times to be pleasant occasions. Encourage independence by serving small portions and giving your child the opportunity to independently ask for more. Bon appétit
“Is it wrong to have certain expectations from my child?” a parent asked me - at a recent Parenting workshop that I was conducting.
It was a sad question – from a sad parent. A parent who wanted the best for her child but was confused because she didn’t know how to want – without expecting. In my practice as a Parenting and Wellness Consultant – I find a lot of parents facing this dilemma. Are you one of them? If you are as confused and sad as this lady – I wouldn’t be surprised at all. Parenting is learnt by trial and error. And as they gingerly tread unknown terrain - conscientious parents are constantly on the lookout for parenting mistakes that parents before them have made – so that they don’t repeat them. Any story about any parenting experience that may have gone wrong for anyone is terrifying and stories about parental EXPECTATION – and how it has destroyed the lives of children – are available in abundance. No one wants to be ‘that parent’ who destroyed their child’s life because of their expectations But should you throw expectations - lock stock and barrel – out of the window? No you should not! A complete lack of expectation is read by your youngster as “Why expect anything of you? You probably couldn’t do it anyway” And such lack of faith wipes out the child’s feeling of value. It is important for parents to expect the best from their children – because what you expect is what you get. But it is crucial not to be rigid and unforgiving in deciding what that best is. As a parent - you are the most important person in your child’s life. And because you are so important - your approval is your child’s oxygen line. Children are on a mission to seek your approval. Everything children do – they do for your approval. And as they seek your approval – they come face to face with the force of your expectations whether or not you put them into words. When you have expectations that are rigid and unforgiving – you are sure to be disappointed by your child. And when your child discovers that he is the source of your unhappiness and disappointment he is shattered – and grows up with low self-esteem. When a child repeatedly encounters failure – he begins to believe “I am worthless” And when there is constant parental pressure to do more or do better – it tells the child – “You are not good enough” Children never question their parent’s expectations. Instead when children fail to meet their parent’s expectations – they begin to feel less valuable. It is a fine line that parents need to walk therefore and it is vital to subject Parental expectations to this audit to have high expectations but ensure that these expectations are not damaging Subject every expectation you have from your child – to this 4 point PARENTAL EXPECTATION AUDIT 1. Why do I have this expectation? Where did it come from? Many of the expectations that we have are borrowed from the expectations that our parents had from us or are blueprints adopted from our culture. Many of these expectations are outdated or highly questionable. But we usually do not question them Girls should play with dolls but boys never should OR All boys should be good athletes OR Boys shouldn’t cry – are examples of such expectations Remember to question the origin of each expectation 2. Does my expectation realistically fit my child at his age and with his temperament and background? A close examination of our expectations is likely to reveal that many of the expectations that we have do not match the stages of development that our children are in. A lot of times we expect children to behave like miniature adults which is extremely unfair to the child. Also - behaviour – it is important to remember - is caused by external factors and it is important to look at those external factors and make allowances in what to expect. Stressors like fatigue, hunger and fear - that affect a child severely are often disregarded completely by well-meaning parents. Base your expectations on keen observation and a sympathetic consideration of your child’s past and present pressures and you will be unlikely to go wrong. 3. What’s in it for me? Does my expectation fulfil my needs or my child’s? Expectations must always be looked at and examined with a microscope. Many of our expectations for our children are designed to meet our own unmet wishes. It is easy to camouflage a need in yourself as a need in your child and build an expectation around fulfilling that need. This is how the expectations that are most damaging to children are generated. When we push children to get all A’s, win the lead in the play or get elected to office we do so because we want to bask in the reflected glory. We compel our children to harvest distinctions to feed our needs. We may do so because we crave a certain status but realize that we cannot earn it through our own efforts – so we unconsciously push our child to fill the gap. Or we see our children as extensions of ourselves instead of separate individuals and fear that the lustre of our own star could be dulled if they are any less than outstanding. Steer clear of unconscious camouflage. Live your own life. Let your child live his or hers. 4. What purpose does my expectation serve? As soon as we hold our newborn babies in our arms – we put together a mental blueprint of what that baby will be like as an adult. In the majority of cases – this blueprint is made randomly – and does not fit the uniqueness of the child. When we fail to examine and edit this blueprint frequently – we force expectations that are contrary to the nature of our child upon him/her. Our expectations in such cases have the sole purpose of getting the child to fit our mental blueprint of the image we have for him/her in our minds (however unreasonable that may be). It is important to frequently question the image we create in our mind’s eye. “Fit my blueprint or go unloved” is the terrifying message we convey when we are unable to let go of images that do not fit the uniqueness of our child. And nothing can be scarier than that for a child. Expecting a studious quiet child to be boisterous and the life of every party is the example of such an expectation. Children need to succeed to feel competent and worthwhile. And it is important for parents - to frequently tailor their expectations to ensure that their children succeed so that they build on their self-esteem. Failure is inevitable in life. But in the warm glow of positive self-esteem – failure is seen – not as proof of personal inadequacy – but as an area for growth Tailor your expectations to build your child’s self- esteem. A child with positive self-esteem will exceed all your expectations. |
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